before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
