Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
