I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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