He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
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I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
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Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.