my mouth tastes like poor choices
btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
