Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
