how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
My life is pants optional.
Randomize
