There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
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