Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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