I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
well, you know. whores of a feather.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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