I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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