He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
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