38 yer olds are good kisserssss
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
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