I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Randomize
