It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
