$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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