I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
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