This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
