I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
