1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Randomize
