I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Text me some of your sweat
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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