My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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