if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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