I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
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Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
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I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
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