I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
organizing the empties. That sober.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
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