Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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