Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
