Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Randomize
