if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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