i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
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