I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
