When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
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