I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
