i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
