it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
