We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Randomize
