Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
