I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
