awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
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