why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
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