WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
