I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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