Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
