My first STD was from a foam party
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
