her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
