You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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