Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
