how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
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You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
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Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
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