yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
