yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Randomize
