you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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