After last night, I could never be a politician.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
