I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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