Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Randomize
