Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
