No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
