she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
