I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Randomize
